Tell Me I Was Dreaming
by obsessedwithstabler
Summary: Tell me I was dreaming, that you didn't leave me here to cry. You didn't say you don't love me anymore. It was just my imagination telling lies. Tell me that you didn't say goodbye... Another postep for Paternity. EO


Okay, so I was showing my roommate a bunch of older music videos, and I happened to stumble across one for Travis Tritt's song, Tell Me I Was Dreaming. It was so incredibly heartwrenching that I was compelled to write a fic for it. And finally, it hit me. Paternity. I know this is the fifth or sixth postep I've written for it, but the ep is so awesome! It's also my 297th story, so everyone who reviews gets more plot bunnies! Of course I don't own any of this, or the beautiful song I used. Enjoy, and please remember to review while I hunt Jess down and get my left shoe back! *lights spork on fire*

Disclaimer: Not mine!

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Elliot Stabler rushed into Mercy General hospital, barely able to breathe. No one was able to tell him much, except that Kathy and Olivia had been brought to this hospital after being in the car accident. He had not seen either of them since he spoke to Kathy while they were still trapped in the car. He had to see both of them.

He went upstairs, and when the elevator doors opened, he was overwhelmed by the bright and exuberant colors of the Maternity Ward. There was a long window that peered into the nursery, and across from it a figure was slumped over on the bench, a small bundle in their arms.

Shaking his head, he forced his legs to carry him over to the bench, and he gasped quietly when he realized that it was his partner. "Liv...?"

She looked up, her cheeks flushed and damp with tears. "Elliot..." She held the precious bundle closer, sniffling as she saw the look on Elliot's face. It was breaking her heart, and there was nothing she could do.

Slowly he sat down beside her, finally recognizing what she was holding protectively. A baby. It clicked in his mind that it was his child she was holding so carefully, so lovingly. But why wasn't Kathy holding him? Kathy should be holding him, unless... No, there was another reason that he just was not seeing.

She returned her tearful stare to the newborn baby in her arms. She had been reluctant to even let the nurse take him to look him over, and finally when they declared him perfect, she had eagerly taken him back. It was the least that she could do, to keep him safe and warm. Just as she had done in the ambulance, right after Kathy gave birth to him. The medic had nearly shoved him into her arms as they fought desperately to save his mother, and she had been unwilling to give him up ever since. She just couldn't bring herself to do it.

He frowned deeply, then looked around. "Olivia, why do you have the baby?" His heart dropped. "Where's Kathy?"

Another tear fell. "El..."

He shook his head. She was just asleep, or in the bathroom, or even worse, in surgery. She had been in a car wreck, after all. She was going to be fine. And Olivia was holding his baby because... because... He couldn't think of an answer that didn't break his heart. "Olivia, please..." He knew in his heart, but God, he didn't want to believe it. He couldn't.

Finally she turned her head and looked at him. God, she didn't want to be the one who had to tell him this. Who had to tell him his wife and the mother of his children, one of which she was holding, was dead. "I am so sorry, Elliot. Kathy... Kathy died in the ambulance on the way here..."

He ripped his gaze from hers and buried his head in his hands, his shoulders shuddering violently. His wife was dead. The woman who had given him five beautiful children, who had stood by him through the good and the bad times in his life, was gone.

Desperate to comfort him, Olivia shifted the baby to one arm and wrapped her free arm around his shoulders. Then she drew him into her, resting her chin on his head.

He immediately wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her shoulder, clinging to her. It all felt surreal, yet he knew in his heart that Olivia wouldn't lie to him. He started to sob into her shoulder. He cried for his children at home, who had no idea of the heartache that was about to destroy their world. He cried for himself.

But most of all, he cried for the tiny baby in Olivia's arm, the one that would never know his mother. His grip tightened on Olivia desperately.

Sighing tearfully, Olivia held him tighter and kissed his head, desperate to soothe his pain, to shield him from it entirely. "I am so, so sorry, El," she whispered, tangling her fingers in his hair. Even though she knew logically that this wasn't her fault, she blamed herself. She had been the one behind the wheel, and if she had been paying closer attention, she would have seen the car barreling at them and been able to get out of the way in time. Then the baby in her arms would still be in his mother's womb, and the other four children would not have to face the pain of losing their mother so soon.

It wasn't right, and it was her fault.

Finally he lifted his tearstained face out of her shoulder and wiped his eyes. Once the tears were gone, he looked at her bloody and tear dampened features. Then his gaze drifted down to the squirming bundle in her arms. He swallowed hard, unable to help but be in awe at the new life. Almost shyly he held his hands out. "Can I...?"

She stared at him for a moment, until it finally hit her. "Oh, of course..." With great care and tenderness, she laid the newborn in her partner's arms, absently running her hand over the soft little head. "She... she had a name... before..." She couldn't bring herself to say the rest of that. Just before she crashed for the second time, she had named the tiny baby boy Elliot, for his father. Then she had crashed again, and this time they weren't able to save her.

He immediately looked over at her. "A... name...?"

She nodded. "For your... son."

His heart swelled. "My... my son..." He held his little son closer, running his thumb over his soft little cheek. "What is it?"

She licked her dry lips. "She wanted to name him Elliot."

"After me..." Fresh tears formed in his eyes, and a choked sob escaped him. "Welcome to the world, little man," he managed through his tears. "I'm your... I'm your dad..."

Twisting on the bench until she was facing him, she reached out and gathered him into her arms and rested her head against his. Careful of the baby between them, she rubbed his back. She couldn't think of anything appropriate to say. She couldn't tell him that it would be okay, because it wouldn't. His wife was dead. She couldn't promise him anything, and she had never felt so helpless in her life.

Her eyes closed. No, she had. In that ambulance, watching Kathy Stabler die and holding the baby that she had helped to deliver was the most helpless moment in her life.

She held Elliot tighter as he cried hot tears of grief and pain that he could not express.

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The next morning, Elliot jerked awake in his bed, calling out his wife's name. "Kathy..." He wiped at his eyes. "Oh, God, I just had the worst dream..." He tried to calm his racing heart. "It was terrible..."

He rolled over to face her, only to come face to face with an empty side of the bed. And his heart clenched.

She was really gone.

_When I woke up this morning _

_Wiped the sleep from my eyes _

_I found a new day dawning _

_And suddenly I realize _

_You're gone_

Struggling to keep himself together as the memories of the prior night assaulted him, he climbed out of the bed and stumbled out of the bedroom.

In the living room, he found Olivia on the couch, cradling Eli in her arms as she fed him carefully. Beside her, Lizzie was curled up on the couch with her head on Olivia's leg. And on the floor in front of the couch, the rest of his older children were curled up on various blankets and pillows, sleeping uneasily.

Olivia heard him come out of the bedroom, and she turned her head and watched him. "Hey..."

He nodded at her and rubbed at his eyes, slowly making his way around the couch and to her side. "Liv, thank you," he whispered as he sat down beside her and watched her feed little Eli.

She looked at him. "Elliot, don't thank me. I want to be here." She truly did, and nothing on earth would keep her from doing so.

"But you don't have to be." She was his partner. Her support wasn't supposed to extend beyond work, and it especially wasn't supposed to extend to his family. But here she was, giving it without a word.

"I want to."

He sighed heavily as he looked at each of his sleeping children.

She saw his expression, and she explained, "They all came in here at some point last night." And it didn't bother her in the least. These kids had just lost their mother, and if she could give them any kind of comfort by letting them be near her, she would.

His shoulders shuddered, and before he realized it, he was being drawn against her shoulder and held comfortingly. He had thought that he had cried all of his tears, but he was wrong. He buried his face in her neck and started to cry again.

She slid an arm around him and kissed his head. "Shh..." she soothed, rubbing his back.

He just clung to her tighter. Through this, she was a rock for him, for them. She was a constant source of strength, and he would never take her for granted again. He closed his eyes.

Was this really happening?

_Tell me I was dreaming _

_That you didn't leave me here to cry _

_You didn't say you don't love me anymore _

_And it was just my imagination telling lies _

_Tell me that you _

_Didn't say goodbye_

Eli Stabler was three days old when they buried his mother.

Olivia stood in front of the gravesite, due to Elliot's insistence. Lizzie and Dickie were on either side of her as she held Eli close to her heart. Elliot had his arms around the older girls, and it was painfully obvious that he was trying not to break down again. He had always assumed that, because of his line of work, he would be the one who died first. Not Kathy.

As the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground, each Stabler child stepped forward with a single white rose. Maureen was the last, and when she dropped the flower, she let out an anguished cry and buried herself in her father's chest.

At their sister's tears, the twins broke down and clung to Olivia.

Kathleen leaned against Elliot's side, sniffling quietly.

Elliot stared ahead in quiet disbelief until Olivia gently nudged him. Silently he rested his head on her shoulder briefly.

Without thinking, she turned her head and kissed his hair.

He shuddered, holding his daughters closer.

When Elliot and the kids were finally ready, she led the small group away from Kathy's grave and to her SUV. As Elliot helped the older children, Olivia gently laid Eli in his carseat, fastening him in with great care. Then she quietly climbed into the driver's seat and started the car.

Later that night, after tucking each of the children into bed and settling Eli in his crib, Olivia sat down beside Elliot on his bed. He was curled up miserably on his side, and she reached out and smoothed her hand over his head.

He made a soft sound, then rolled toward her, burying himself in her side.

She automatically wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer, lovingly rubbing his back.

He felt guilty for needing her so desperately, but she refused to let him turn her away. So he held her tighter as more of his grief escaped.

She pushed closer to him, holding him as tight as she possibly could. His pain was her pain, and she needed to soothe it, to take that hurt away from him and his children. But she didn't know how.

She only knew how to be there for them.

_I'm in a state of confusion _

_I hope things aren't what they seem _

_If this is really happening _

_Just let me go back to dream _

_You're home _

Sometime around two, Olivia awoke to Eli's soft cries. Clearing her mind of sleep, she slowly slid out of Elliot's grasp, replacing herself with a pillow. He gripped it tightly and settled back down, and she watched him for a moment before hurrying over to the crib. "Hey..." She reached down and lifted Eli into her arms, kissing his sweet little head as she carried him out of the bedroom.

After preparing a bottle and settling on the couch, Olivia nestled Eli in the crook of her arm and offered him the bottle. He eagerly started to suckle, and for a moment, Olivia allowed her mind to wander.

"Liv?"

Olivia jumped slightly, startled. "Lizzie?"

The young blond walked around the couch and sat down beside her father's partner.

Olivia studied her for a moment. "Lizzie, what are you doing up?"

"Can't sleep," she whispered, snuggling into Olivia's warm and welcoming side.

The older woman moved her arm slightly so Lizzie could snuggle into her better. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Can I help?" She hoped that she could. She hated seeing her, seeing any of the children, in such pain.

She was silent for a long while, and for a moment, Olivia hoped that she had fallen asleep against her.

"Liv, did you like my mom?"

That question stunned her, and she didn't know how to go about answering it. How could she explain to this child that she was, to her mother, the other woman? She always had been. Their relationship, if you could call it that, was strenuous at best. Kathy saw her as a threat, and Olivia was envious of her. She had the family that Olivia had always wanted, and Olivia had her husband in ways Kathy could never understand. Finally she answered, "Yes, Lizzie. I did."

She sighed softly as fresh tears ran down her cheeks. "Eli is never going to know her."

Very carefully, Olivia leaned over and kissed the young girl's head. "Of course he will, honey."

"How?"

_Tell me I was dreaming _

_That you didn't leave me here to cry _

_You didn't say you don't love me anymore _

_And it was just my imagination telling lies _

_Tell me that you _

_Didn't say goodbye_

She sighed softly. "Well, there's pictures and home movies..." Eli was finished eating, so she moved him to her shoulder with one hand and used the other to hold Lizzie close. "And of course there's you."

Lizzie looked up curiously. "Me?"

"Of course. You can tell him stories about her, and you can tell her what she was like." She ran her fingers lightly against Lizzie's blond hair.

Lizzie sighed quietly. "But... what if I start to forget?" That was her biggest fear, that one day she wouldn't be able to remember the smell of her mother's perfume, or that special smile she gave her. "What if I forget what she was like?"

Olivia moved her hand to Lizzie's heart. "Sweetheart, as long is your mother is right there, in your heart, you'll never forget her. You might forget some things, but that's okay. You won't ever forget her."

"How do you know?"

Olivia closed her eyes for a moment. "Because... my mom died, too."

"Really?" Lizzie asked, surprised.

"Yeah. She died a long time ago, but she's still in my heart. And she'll always be there." She rubbed Eli's back. "Just like your mom will always be in yours."

Lizzie curled up closer to her, yawning quietly. "I miss her, Liv," she whispered tearfully.

She nodded understandingly. "I know you do, baby." Very gently she eased Lizzie's head down into her lap, urging the young girl to stretch out over the rest of the couch.

In no time she was sleeping peacefully, but Olivia was still wide awake as she caressed the blond hair slowly and soothingly.

She had known Kathy, but she hadn't. In a way, she was closer to Elliot than Kathy had been, and she sensed that because of that, the other woman resented her. She didn't want to cause any more pain or misunderstanding, so she tried to limit her contact with Kathy.

Now she was wishing that she had been better friends with her. Maybe then she wouldn't feel as though she were intruding on a life that wasn't hers to begin with.

Eli started to fuss, so Olivia gently slid out from under the sleeping child and started to pace the living room floor. He was so small and fragile that she couldn't help not wanting to put him down. He had already lost his mother, and she was going to protect him. She had to.

As she held Eli and rocked him, she found herself doing something that she hadn't done in a long time.

She prayed.

She prayed for the strength to help this family through their tragedy, she prayed for wisdom to guide, and most of all, she prayed for little Eli.

Already there was an unshakable bond between them, something that she had only ever had with one other person. His father. But there was an unconditional love, an acceptance and trust that only came from having such an untainted and pure heart. She held him closer and kissed his sweet, soft little head.

This wasn't how any of this was supposed to happen, and if she could, she'd give anything to bring Kathy back to her children. She had no idea of how to be any kind of maternal figure. And she had no idea how to care for such a small, helpless infant. Kathy would know.

A tear dripped down her cheek, the first she had really cried since the hospital.

The worst part, she thought, was that Kathy hadn't even been given the chance to say goodbye to her family. She closed her eyes. So much like her own mother. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair, and she didn't understand it. These kids needed their mother, and she was gone. It was beyond cruel.

_Tell me I was dreaming _

_That you didn't leave me here to cry _

_You didn't say you don't love me anymore _

_And it was just my imagination telling lies _

_Oh, tell me that you _

_Didn't say goodbye_

She finally headed toward the stairs as she truly realized something. At any moment, she could be taken away from her partner forever, without even having a chance to say goodbye. She kissed Eli's head as she climbed up the stairs. She hadn't gotten to say goodbye to her mother, and she thought about it almost every day.

She eased into Elliot's room, settling Eli in his crib and watching him for a moment before she went to the bed. Elliot was sleeping restlessly, still holding onto the pillow she had placed into his arms. Gently moving it aside, she laid down beside him and ran her hand over his cheek.

He sighed restlessly and turned over, snuggling into her.

She watched him sleep for a while, just running her fingers through his hair. Something told her that this was inappropriate, but she couldn't bring herself to leave her vulnerable partner right then. He needed her, and as much as she was afraid to admit it, she needed him, too. More than she would ever admit to anyone. Even him.

As he slept quietly, burrowed into her side, Olivia caught sight of a picture of Kathy beside the bed. She studied the woman whose child she had clung to for so long.

"I'll take care of them, Kathy," she finally whispered. "I promise."

And it was a promise that, no matter what, she would never break.

_Darling, tell me you _

_Didn't say goodbye_

The End

A/N: *hands out Kleenexs* I think that's the first time I've ever actually killed Kathy... huh. I'm starting to develop a taste for it... And by the way, maybe one of ya'll can help me. I feel like such a dork, but I didn't favorite a story I read a while back, and now I can't find it. It involves the children being killed in a car accident and Elliot attempting suicide over his grief... If the author of the story is reading, I am so sorry. I feel like such a dweeb. But if one of you bunnies can help me out and tell me the name of the story, I'd appreciate it so much! Thanks again for reading, and please remember to review!


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